LOLZ homegirlz – don't pretend u don't know Jay Lyon
10/22/2009 11:18:43 AM
|
|
| Sup tartface killahz???!!!! Miss me?!! I kno u have!!! LOLZ!!!! Been Ssosososososoososo busy lately!!! As ALWAYZ!!!! N-E-WAYZ, been mostly hangin' wit hit-makerz n rapperz (who all want 2 b my baby daddy, Lil Wayne u 2 fertile 4 me!!!) n since all dat ass shakin' and back-up singin' and video ho-in' I NEEDED A VACATION!!!!! LOL!!!!!
So I'm in Miami wit my biatch-boy JAY LYON!!!!!!! Now, homegirlz, don't be all "who the FUCK is dat?!" b/c U KNOW WHO HE BE!!!! Jay is the guy who dated Miranda Kerr (til she dumped him) and my main boss biatch Whitney Port (til she dumped him) AND he's only in the BIGGEST BAND EVZ!!!! Tamamarra!!! Terammeara!!!! Tamarraarra!!!! Tamaramamamamamaamamamamaaa!!!!!!!!! WhatEVZ!!! point is, he's TOTEZ a big deal musician!!!! Like, a BIG deal!!!
N-E-WAYZ, been stayin' at this amazballz hotel dat has a cocktail bar IN THE POOL!!! LOLZ!!! Jay n I have been jus drinking cocktailz n sunbaking n smoking apple bongz n makin' jewellery!!! This TOTEZ EMBARRASSING pap shot is us makin' Jay a totez cute belly chain!!! He wore it out that night and TOTEZ scored a THREESOME!!!! LOLZ!!! Good for u, Jay-Jay!!!! He totez just bought these girlz heaps of shots and told them that he dated Miranda Kerr n they were totez IMPRESSED and INTO HIM!!!!! Totez bummer that they stol ur iPhone n wallet, Jay!!!! Doesn't matter tho, u got totez lalalalalalalaaaaaid!!!!!!!! Luv u!!! Text me!!! Oh, u can't, ur phone's gone!!! LOL!!!! xxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo |
|
|
|
|
 4 Comment(s) | Add / View |
|
|
Don't h8 on Avril Lavigne
10/16/2009 11:12:31 AM
|
|
| ZUP slutballz?!! Been gone 4evs, right?!?!??!?!!? I know, I know... jus been hangin wit my biatch Avril since her MASSIVE MARRIAGE BREAKDOWN!!!!!!! We jus been yachting around wit some billionaire dude and straightening our hair and being totez PUNK!!!
Avril wrote a few new songz like '2 B Wit U', 'BFF LOL' n my FAVOURITE LOVE BALLAD EVS 'W8 4 Me L8er Sk8er H8er'. It's SO beautiful but still totez haz dat Avril punk EDGE!! She is SO EDGY!!!!!! She haz more edge than a dodecahedron!!!!!!! SHE IS ALL EDGE!!!!! She is BASICALLY the original RIOT GRRRRRRRRRRRL!!!! Hello? She wears SCHOOL UNIFORMS!!! For fun!!!! LOL! She's a totez rebel!! Like, have u seen her pink streak in her hair?! ZOMGZ!!
Totez don't mess wit her, like a stooooops girl did when we was out da other night – this girl was all "OoooooOOOOOooohHHHH, Avril!!! U R not evez that punk!!!" and Avril was all like "Fuck you, bitch" and then homegirl was all "FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING IMPOSTOR. JOHNNY ROTTEN WOULD PISS ON U. U R THE OPPOSITE OF PUNK, U FUCKING HELLO KITTY, HARAJUKU, WANNABE GWEN STEFANI CIRCA 1995 OVER-GROWN TODDLER LOSER!"
...and then Avril was all, like, crying and shizz and totez said "FUCK OFF!" and we all went into the VIP area to drink mojitos and do linez!! LOL!!! DON'T MESS WITH AVRIL or u'll get PWNED!!!!! 4 realz!!!
|
|
|
|
|
| 6 Comment(s) | Add / View |
|
|
ZOMGZ Khloe Kardash is gettin MIZZARRIED
9/22/2009 2:24:32 PM
|
|
| TOTEZ stop errrrrrrything slutz!!!!! Errrrrybody's fave Kardashian sistah (apart from Kim, OBVS!!! LOL!!!) Khloe is getting MIZZARRIED!!!!!!!!! She's gonna b Lamar Odom!!!! She's livin' da DREAM, homegirlz!! Bitch is gonna b a BALLER'S WIFEY!!!!!!!!!!! JEALZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My ho-ho and Lamar have been datin' for, like, TOTEZ FOUR WEEKS now n they r jus SOOOOO in luv!!!!! Lamar doesn't even mind that Khloe kinda lookz like a tranny on some anglez... N Khloe TOTEZ doesn't mind that Lamar will probz knock-up a cheerleader / back-up dancer / singer / socialite during their marriage!!!! DAT IZ TRUE LUV, y'all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Khloe, don't let all dem haterz tell u ur wrong!!!! U totez could've married him after TWO WEEKS!!!!!!!!! Y'all r in luv and will last 4EVZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (AT LEAST until one of ur sisterz upstages u again and u have a public divorce and maybz even get a book ghostwritten 4 u about the trialz and tribz of bein' a balla's wifey?!!!! OMG, OPRAH'S BOOK CLUB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Luv u!!!!!!!!!)
|
|
|
|
|
| 8 Comment(s) | Add / View |
|
|
OMG stop errrrrything, FAUXTOSHOPPED photos of me circulating
9/4/2009 11:34:08 AM
|
|
ZOMGZ, slurries!!! This is THE WORST thing about being famous!!!! I JUS found out that peepz r totez posting FAUX photos of me on the internetz!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Homegirlz, if u see the photo below of me n Spencer Pratt, IGNORE IT!!!!
Sumbody has FAUXTOSHOPPED MY FACE ON HEIDI MONTAG'S BODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Biatchez, y'all KNOW that Heidi is my homegirl FOR REALZ!!! I would NEVS kiss her huzband!!!!! It's so totez fake!!!!! U can tell cuz the Photoshopping is for realz BAD!!
Am so in SHOCK!!! I jus can't believe some lowlife would do this!!!!!!!!!!!! Can't evez write n e more. TOTEZ NOT LOL-ing, biatchezzzz!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
|
| 6 Comment(s) | Add / View |
|
|
Heidi Montag ain't full of BS, y'all
9/3/2009 3:32:44 PM
|
|
| ZOMGZ!!! Jus got back from a CRAY-ZEEE time wit my main whore Heidi Montag!! Like, just TRY going anywhurrrr wit Heids n NOT get pap-attacked!! LOL!! I mean, she called the paps n let them know that we'd be at the Ivy having dinner n she totes brought her Playboy magazine wit her (how amazing is her bod, homegirls?! A LOT of workout plan for Heids!!! Thought it was SO CLASSY smearing her on mud, right?! HAWT, girl!!!!!)
So, anywayz, we went 2 the Ivy n just talked REALLY loudly about how Heids n her hubby Spence r just, TOTEZ in love n are SO SINCERE n genuine n how he is sooooooooo much the best hub EVZ!!!!! He evez sayz that Heidi is probz been taken over by MJ's spirit because her muzic skillz r so totes WAY TOO MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, peeeeeeeepz!!! Just so y'all know – Heids is SO FAR FROM FAKE!!!! Y'all keep up with yo dreamz!!!! Just cuz she had her tittays, nose n lips n shizz done, doesn't mean she's fakey-faker-fakehead!!!!!! Like, when she sayz that she has 30 ORGASMS A DAY, be-lieeeeve!! When she sayz that she's Christian n didn't have sexes BEFORE marriage but had a pregnancy scurrrrrr, BELIEVE!!! When she sayz she's gon win an Oscar one day, believe!!!
Heids don't let the haterz get 2 you, I totez believe errrrrry werd u utter! Spesh wen u said that ur "the modern day Mother Teresa" while y'all were pluggin ur own brand of dry-shampoo!!! That shizz totez SAVED MY LIFE tha otha day, JUST like Mother Teresa saved those starving orphans!!!!! Text me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
|
| 3 Comment(s) | Add / View |
|
|
The Lohan sisterz bitchez
8/28/2009 3:28:30 PM
|
|
| Whattup slutz?! I'm TOTEZ DEVOED today!! I had tearz and errrrrrything!! My main biatch Lindz has been ROBBED AGAIN!!!! I was out wit her and her lil sistah Ali and Sam Ron the other nite, jus totez getting wizzy-wizzy-waaaasted on vodka hidden in water bottles and when we got back to Chez Lindz... ALL HER SEXTAPES HAD BEEN STOLEN!!!!!!!!
Like, Ali and Sam and I wuz just soooo shocked!!! Lindz was all like "You know what cuntz? I know who did this and I'ma be cutting them!!!!!!!!!!!!" n she totez ran out of the house and TOTEZ took off her top and then, like, waved to the paparazzi and told them all she wazn't gay and that she was TOTEZ SOBER and that everybody should just LEAVE HER ALONE and then talked about movie she's filming and her new line of leggings and then came back inside and was all "What?" and we were like "Robbery, slutballz?" and she was like, "OH YEAH!!!!" and went and called the po-po.
Anywayz, LEAVE LINDZ ALONE!!!! I don't care what they say, homegirl, u r totez amazing and ur not an attention whore AT ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL n those thieves? Jokes on u!!! Lindz totez gave each video Chlamidia from a 'test tube' so y'all better not have handled them wit bare handz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shout out to my homeboys in Compton!!!!! Text me!!! |
|
|
|
|
| 7 Comment(s) | Add / View |
|
|
ZOMGZ Lil Wayne and don't EVEZ tell me it's not
8/5/2009 2:57:44 PM
|
|
| Sup biatchfaces?!!! Not much is da hapz with me... LOL!!! ZIF!!!!! LMAO!!
Actually have just TOTEZ been getting jiggy with a rapper called LIL WAYNE!! You MIGHT have heard of him?!??!?!? LOL!!!! Soooo, Lil Wayne n I have totez just been partaying BIG TIME since he found out he knocked up not one but TWO hot mamas!!!!! Yes!!! They are evez due almost the same time!!!! Baby DADDY x 2, slutfaces!!!!!
So while the mamas are totez eating heeeeeapz of folate and fish oil and whatevs, Lil Wayne and I have been GETTING CRUNK!!!! We totez go to da club and drink HENNY from PIMP CUPS and sizzzurp on gin-n-juice!!! Lil Wayne totez loves jizz-n-juice, but I think Cristal is totez the happz (at least that's what getz Jay-Z drizzzzunk!!!! Hovie's home!!! LOL!! Text me!!!).
Anywayz, the exciting thing is that Lil Wayne told me that I can totez sing back-up for him one day!! So I'm prizzactizing my AUTHENTIC URBAN MC skillz!! So y'all homegirlz better not be beefin wit me!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I'm totez better than Paris at rapping though, srsly.)
Anywayz, thanks Lil Wayne!!!! Hopefully u'll make a new record and u will totez be jizz-n-juicing your way around the world and peepz will pay attention to you not becuz of ur grill OR ur tight jeans OR ur BLING-A-LING OR ur face tattoos but becuz of ur MAD URBAN RAP MC HIP HOP SKILLZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!! And ur totez amazing MAD FERTILITY SKILLZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Text me!!!!!! |
|
|
|
|
| 3 Comment(s) | Add / View |
|
|
OMG Hayden from Video Hits, slutballz
7/30/2009 11:50:52 AM
|
|
| Hey biatchezzzzz, y'all homegirls get ready for feeling TOTEZ JEALZ!!!!!!!!! I've been in Oz this week for hangin wit Suri Cruise and shizz and also this music festival where there were CELEBZ GALORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like, totez errrrrrrrrywhere!! Evez that guy from that band!!! You know... that one with the suit! So hawwwwwwt!!
So there's this lil show in Australia called Video Hitz right? And the hostz are basically the BIGGEST STARZ IN OZ!!! Like, bigger than Natalie Baisssingathaithwairte!! (But she's way big, homegirl is amazing.) There's this TOTEZ CUTE host called Hayden and – OMGZ AWKWARD!!!! – he interviewed me and just lost his shizz and FELL IN LUV WIT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He's just totez OBSESSED!! Get in line, homeboy!!!! ZIF!! LOL!!!!!!!! So anywayz, he always wears flannel shirtz and it all INDIE but he's TOTEZ ZANY!!!!!!! OMG!!!! THE HATZ!!!!!!! ALWAYS IN A ZANY HAT!!!!! Love him!!! (Not like THAT, y'all!!! LOL!!!!)
Anywayz, Haydz. U R totez amazing and I think u'll be bigger than Rove (LMAO, don't tell him!!!!) but u need to STOP with ur love letterz!! I'm just not interested!!!! Keep ur QUIRKY SELF GOOD ya heard!??!?!?!? DON'T text me!!!! LOL!!! JKING!!! Text me!!!!!
(But srsly dude, DON'T text me anymore shots of ur peen. Not jk. It's totez not on.)
Text me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
|
| 4 Comment(s) | Add / View |
|
|
ZOMGZ vintage Nicky Hilton slurries
7/23/2009 2:28:38 PM
|
|
| OMG biatchez!!!! 2 much hilarity y'all!!!!!!!!! I've been hangin wit my best slutz Paris and Nicky Hilt and they totez have a MILLION photoz of us back in the day!!!!!!! We used to totez get sooooooo wasted and just have the BEST BEST BEST fun showing errrrybody our vajay-jays and like sucking face with EVERY HEIR we could get our fake-tan-stained palms on!!!!!! (Paris used to fake tan and THEN BABY OIL!!!!!! OMG!!!! Hot bitch!!!!)
Anywayz, this is the ooooooldest flick evs after Brodie Jenner's 18th birthday at some place in H-Wooooooood!!!!! Nicky had already gone down on the birthday boy in the toiletz, thrown up, slapped Paris (Paris scratched her cheek and drew blooooooodz!!!!) and then totez fucked the limo driver BUT she didn't realize it was a limo driver and thought it was Nicole Richie's dad who she's alwayz had a girl boner for and STILL hazn't gone there!!!!!!! SO FUNNY!!!! It was just the best night evs and us girlz just went home and the Hiltons' personal doctor gave us all Emetic injections to make us stop barfing and Xanax to make us CALM DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!! GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love you Nicky Hilt, remember ur totez original and juz because nobody takes ur photoz anymore doesn't mean ur irrelevant!!!!!!!!!!!! Luv u homegirl!!!!!!!!!! Text me!!!!!!!!!! |
|
|
|
|
| 6 Comment(s) | Add / View |
|
|
Amber Rose is NOT a beard – OMG she's BALD
7/7/2009 2:19:22 PM
|
|
| Sup slutjaws?!! Shizz has been bizzy for me!!!!!! (AS ALWAYZ!! LOL!!) Went to my homie Diddy's White Party with my fave ho AMBER ROSE, y'all!!!!!!! But there iz summin that I TOTEZ need to clear up for all u non-celeb peeps out there!! I'll make it totez simple for y'all: AMBER ROSE IS NOT KANYE'S BEARD!!!!!!!! OMG!!! What a LOL!!!!! Biggest LOL EVEZ!!!!!!
Amber Rose and Yeezy's relash is TOO LEGIT TO QUIT!!! Kanye in IN LOVE with her!!! He is NOT pretending to be straighty-180 just cuz he's famous!!!!! UM HE'D DO ANYTHING FOR A BLONDE DYKE?!??!?! REMEMBER???!?!?!?! (And NO, she's not lesbiano – she's biannual!!!!! DUH, bitchezzzz!!!!!)
So I'm just really totez sick n tired of peeps h8ing on Ambz!! She is an amazing role model: she's beautiful and stylish and REALLLLLLLLY photogenic – she's NOT a gold-diggin, stripper, nudie model who shaved her head and managed to convince Kanye that paying her a salary to hang out wit him and make him totez look like he's big pimping and banging a hot grrrrrrrrl will convince the public that he's not a big gay!!!! And EVEZ if she was (which she's TOTEZ NOT) she would be an ENTREPRENEUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, biatchezzz!! Stop making me LOL with ur TOTEZ craaaazzzzzyyyyy ideas about Ambz and Yeezy!!!! Homegirl, don't EVEZ worry about them h8terz!!! You know what you are!!!! It's not what you look like in ur panties, it's what you look like in ur panties NEXT TO YOUR MAN, KANYE!!!!!!!!! JK!!! LOL!!!!! Text me, biatch!!!!!! |
|
|
|
|
| 3 Comment(s) | Add / View |
|
|