Perez Hilton is my biatch so STFU about him already
2/09/2008 11:00:28 AM
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Sup bitchez?!!! So by now you know that I'm totez friends with everyone who's ANYone (except Johnny Depp, but I heard he's a WEIRDO anywayz!!!!) and that INCLUDES one of my number one sluts, Perez Hilton!!!!!
This is a guy who knows EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING!!!!! For realz bitchez, he knows HALF AN HOUR after Fergie got her eyebrows waxed, TWENTY MINUTES after Katie Holmes rolled up her jeans and TEN SECONDS after John Mayer got laid!!!!!! But he also has stuff about charity on his blog too, he's like the cyber-Oprah!!!!!!!!!! Or Bono!!!!!! He REALLY cares!!!!!!!!!
So to all the haters, learn some manners bitchez!!!!! And to Perez, remember what you told me slut!! ANY publicity's good publicity - so even if EVERYBODY thinks you're just a pathetic, fat, wannabe star-fucker who pretends to be friends with D-grade celebrities and uses your blog as a way to get gay stars to notice you and your dumb pink hair and all you really did to revolutionise online gossip was to Photoshop jizz on people's faces!!!!!!!!!! Don't even hate, APPRECIATE!!!!!
Text me whore!!!!!!! LOVE you!!!!!!!!!!
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Whatevs bitchez, stop raggin on Miley Cyrus already
25/08/2008 5:05:07 PM
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| Sup bitchez!! I have been hanging out with one of my BFFs in the world, Miley Cyrus!!! So, I totez hung out with her and her friends the other day and we basically just took photos of ourselves in our UNDERWEAR and POUTING and ALMOST KISSING!!!!! OMGZ so funny!!! Then Miley put them on the internet and told a bunch of celebrity bloggers about it and now EVERYBODY thinks she some Lolita slutbag attention whore!!!!!!!!! AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So UNFAIR!!! Just because she poses in various states of undress for her camera phone and sends photos to all the boys she likes DOESN'T mean she's a teen slut dumbhead!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COME ON!!!!!!!!!!! So, to my hot biatch Miley, don't listen to the haters!! Keep getting attention YOUR WAY bitch!!! Love you slut!!!! Text me!!!!!!!!!!
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Happy birthday to the queen bee bitch, Lil Kim
7/08/2008 10:41:54 AM
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So I totez went to Lil Kim's birthday party last night and it was SO GHETTO FABULOUS!!!! For realz!!! Everybody was there!! Puff Daddy, Missy Elliott, Queen Latifah, Christina Aguilera (she even got her cans out! Again!!) It was the BEST PARTY EVER!! We all got goodie bags, so I came home with a blunt, a hip flask of vodka, a voucher for breast implants and Botox, a weave (with REAL HUMAN HAIR!!), and some of Kim's nipple stickers. (It's SUCH a SHAME she doesn't wear them anymore!!!)
Also, most guests who sat at Lil Kim's table came home with herpes too!!!! Just kidding slut!!! Love you forevs!!!!!! Text me!!!!
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Emo boss Pete Wentz, bitchez
30/07/2008 4:55:19 PM
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Sup biatchez!!!!!!! So you know that I'm REALLY GOOD FRIENDS with Ashlee and Jess Simpson. But I'm also SO CLOSE with Pete Wentz!!!! You know, he's famous for his emo band and for taking photos of his pee-pee and sending them to everybody!!!!! Nice one Pete!!!! So it USED to be totez awkward because Pete was IN LOVE WITH ME when he met Ashlee!!!! Basically, I HAD to tell him that even though I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE going to the salon and getting our hair did together, as well as the manicures and pedicures and waxes and DO NOT like him like that!!!!!!! I mean he's TOTEZ hot and a REALLY talented musician, but I have STANDARDS, right?!!! We are REALLY good friends, but basically, if he steals my GHD straightener ONE MORE TIME I'm going to cut him!!!!!! In a way his emo face WON'T LIKE!!! LOL!!!!! JK!!!!! Love you Pete!!! Be for realz, stop using my eye-liner and DON'T TAKE MY UNDERWEAR ANYMORE!!!!! It always comes back smelling of fried chicken and disappointment!!! Text me slut!!!!
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Woman who taught me everything, Coco
29/07/2008 2:33:38 PM
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So bitchez!! I know that Auntie Denise BASICALLY taught me everything I know, but I totez forgot to mention Auntie Coco!!! My dad and Ice-T are totez BFFs so I've known Coco since I could talk and she's taken me under her wing since forever!!!! She taught me how to make the best of your camel toe, which is REALLY IMPORTANT and she's the QUEEN of the camel toe!!! She makes it STYLISH!!!! Also, she says NEVER open your legs for just anybody - it has to be a rapper or a photographer or any stranger with a camera phone!!!!!!!! Coco is DEFINITELY my mentor!!! Love you Auntie Coco!!!! You're the best biatch!!! Keep counting those dollar bills stuffed into your undies!!!!! Just kidding!!! I know they're fivers!!!! Text me ho!!!!!
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OMG bitchez Tommy Lee's NOT a sex addict
24/07/2008 9:04:22 AM
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Bitchez! What is UP?! Sooooo sorry I've been absent from blogz n shit. I have been SO BUSY!!!! Basically I was hired to replace Pamela Anderson while she was on that Big Brother show in Australia because nobody will pay her to be on TV in America. Anywayz, it is AMAZING being Pammy!!!
What I had to do was wear perspex heels and show everbody my cans!!!!! But it's really hard cuz you have to do it ALL THE TIME!!!!! Also I had to be a PETA spokesperson which meant that I had to say that I DON'T eat or wear animals and I OBJECT to cruelty towards them in ANY WAY. (But then I totez had to take it back cuz Kentucky Fried Chicken paid Pammy to go on Big Brother!! OMG!!! AWKWARD!!!!!!!!) Also I had to perform oral sex a prerequisite number of times per week and you're NOT allowed to repeat partners, so it was TOTEZ difficult!!!!!!!!!!!
So Pammy, I totez don't know HOW you do it!!!!! It's EXHAUSTING being you!!!! And don't worry, I didn't out "DO" you: Tommy Lee says you're still number one!!!!!! Besides you'll ALWAYS be with him. Like the herpes you gave him in 1994!!!!! JOKING!!!!!!!! It wasn't herpes at all, right?! Love you!!!!! Text me whore!!!
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Leave my bitch Brian Austin Green out of this
4/07/2008 11:59:34 AM
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So I totez used to date BAG back in the day and I heard Miss Fox just dumped him!!! OMG!!!!! So, BAG was into some REALLY CRAZY KINKY stuff when we were together and one day I just HAD to say, "Bri-Bri, put the hair gel and gaffer tape and squirrels AWAY. It's totez OVER!" LOL!!!!!!! But we're still friends for defs, even though Megs and I hang out ALL THE TIME and this break-up could be AWKWARD for ME!!!
So BAG, don't even worry that your two claims to fame are 90210 and Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles and that you're too old for Megan Fox and SOME people think that she dumped you finally cause she realised she's too good for you and you'll never amount to anything and EVERYBODY knows you wear EYE-LINER!!!!!!! I still know you're INCREDIBLY talented and REALLY REALLY popular!! Love you!!!!!!!!
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Teen mum of the year, Jamie-Lynn Spears
2/07/2008 5:54:23 PM
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Jamie
Lynn is totez in the top two Spears siblings. (Their bro is AMAZING,
but NOT as TALENTED as his beautiful sisters. Sad.) You probz know that
she just gave birth!!!!!! She is only 16 and is a proud mama
already!!!!! So great, especially now she can raise her daughter to be
a good Christian girl like Britney and herself!!!!! Anywayz, I helped
Jamie choose a name for the little angel (they decided on Maddie!!!
SOOOOO CUTE!!!!) and we were thinking about conjoining the mama and
dad's names just like her parents did, SUCH A SWEET IDEA!!!!! So there
was Casmie, Jasey, Caslynn, Casmilynn, Jamsmeylynn... just HEAPS of
really UNIQUE and BEAUTIFUL names. Anywayz, just wanted to congratulate
Casey and Jamie Lynn on their little love-child baby!!!!!!! Love you
guyz!!!!!!!!!! Jamie, your mum totez knows you're a naughty teen slut
now!!!!!! So don't worry about her finding out!!!!!! Love you!!!!!!
Text me!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Supreme socialite biatch, Rumer Willis
1/07/2008 4:21:49 PM
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So you totez know that I pretty much grew up with ALL of YOUNG Hollywood. But I haven't told you about one of my BEST BITCHES Rumer Willis!! She's the BOMB!!!!!! She's acted in a bunch of things and has a really great relationship with her WHOLE family, even though she has a MASSIVE crush on her mum's husband, Ashton Kutcher (and WHO can blame her?!!) and basically wants her mum to die so she can get her hands on Ash's junk!! Plus it must be REALLY hard knowing that your MUM, who is at least a trillion-years-old, can score better boyfriends than you and TOTEZ makes you look less hot ALL the TIME!!!! We always go out to drown her sorrows together. Rumer Willis, SUCH a TROOPER!!! Love you biatch!!!!! Text me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For defs!!!!!!!!!
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Pete Burns, my step-mum-dad
24/06/2008 5:59:16 PM
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So, when I was younger my parents divorced for a little while and my dad remarried my step-mum, Pete Burns. I totez thought she was my REAL mum for a while, until I found out that SHE used to be the MALE lead singer from Dead or Alive!!!!!! OMG!!!! You should have seen my face!!!!!!!
Anywayz, Pete was the best step-mum-dad eva!!! We totez shared lipstick and clothes and everything!!! But not undies coz who knows where her vajayjay has been!!!!!!!!!!!! Who knows if she even has a vajayjay!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!! Anywayz, I think she's ageing sooooo well, she looks INCREDIBLE and so TIGHT and SHINY!!!!!
Pete Burns, best ex-step-mother-bitch ever!!!!! Love you!!!! Text me!!!!! I want my Boy George CD back ho!!!!! JK!!!!! Love you forevs!!!!!
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Prehysterical
Ewan McGregor has three ballz. How do I know? I've had all three in my mouth, bitchez!!!
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