My Facebook status update around 1am last night: “Eyes are bleeding, all attempts at humour have failed, drinking coffee, have to be up to catch a plane in about four hours. Still need to find some YouTube clips for the Lifelounge gossip column. Kill me.” With that in mind, let’s get into it.
Lady Gaga’s outfits have finally killed someone. Celebrity photographer A.J. Sokalner was working the red carpet at the ACE Awards when Gaga arrived. He dropped dead of a heart attack after he took her photo. True story.
Apparently Fergie’s 'lovely lady lumps' aren’t enough to stop Josh Duhamel from sticking it in strippers.
Brad Pitt is just like that character he played in True Romance – a massive stoner. That’s what all the tabloids keep saying. Also, Angelina Jolie is making him old and ugly. Oh, and she has lesbian affairs all the time. We ran something along these lines a few weeks back but the story refuses to go away so it must be true.
The guy who invented the first mobile phone thinks your iPhone is too complicated.
Oh look, it’s the world’s most ridiculous fight scene:
Kings of Leon are launching their own clothing line. It’s a collaboration with French designers Surface To Air and the clothes will only be available in one shop, down a back alley, in an unnamed Turkish bizarre. Or something ridiculous like that. You can save yourself a whole lot of time and money by simply getting your friends to point and laugh at you.
Some Evil Fucks at PETA harassed a US woman about keeping her cat inside until she caved in their demands. The cat promptly developed cabin fever, went crazy and had to be put down. The end.
The guy from Little Britain who isn’t fat and bald showcased his ‘comedic genius’ by ‘dacking’ Mark Ronson on stage. Ronson wasn’t hugely impressed, but KO got to see his bottom, so it all worked out OK.
Gwen Stefani is the latest person to sue Activision over their new Guitar Hero game. While she signed over her likeness and songs to the games manufacturer, she says she didn’t know players could use her character avatar to perform IMMORAL songs about sex with hookers, aka Rolling Stones 'Honky Tonk Woman'. Activision previously told Courtney Love to “fuck off” after she complained and we suspect they’ll simply wave the signed contact in Stefani’s face and do likewise.
Linsday Lohan is no longer a lesbian. She was seen leaving a club with Gerard Butler. Who? Apparently he was in Frank Miller gladiatorial gay-fest, 300.
Jeremy ‘I developed lead poisoning from sushi’ Piven has stopped drinking soy milk because it’s making him grow man boobs. Um, yeah.
Madlib vs vintage skate footage:
In an unofficial poll I ran on my Facebook page earlier this week, eight out of 10 people who bothered responding prefer Rachel Bilson (AKA Summer from The O.C.) to Leighton Meester (AKA Blair Waldorf from Gossip Girl). Everyone hates Marissa and Serena. Oh, and there’s a threesome coming up in Gossip Girl. This has outraged God and his army of bored people who sit at home writing letters.
There was a horse race in Melbourne this week. Everyone vomited on their cheap suits and carried their shoes home in their hands. A horse named Shocking won.
Taylor Swift and that guy from Twilight who isn’t Rob Pattinson are in love. Meanwhile, Rob and Kristen Stewart are in couple’s therapy. Just like your imaginary Jewish parents who retired and moved to Florida.
In the ultimate mark of respect, Burt Newton removed his hair piece at the funeral of entertainment legend Don Lane. He looked sort of like Darth Vader when Luke takes of his mask – but the sentiment was nice.
Alec Baldwin (AKA the successful one) got his daughter a Lil Wayne cake for her birthday. It was proper scary.
R. Kelly is clinically retarded. No, this isn’t a joke. It is kinda old, however.
Everyone has a secret sex tape. The latest additions to the club are J.Lo and that girl who didn’t win Miss USA because Perez Hilton hates women and was mean to her. Gossip website TMZ say they’ve had Carrie Prejean’s tape for months now but aren’t releasing it because they’re too ethical for that. Meanwhile, the J.Lo tape is supposed to be 11 hours long and maybe has a couple of minutes ‘secks’... We’ll wait for the edited version.
They’re currently shooting that Facebook movie at some university in the US. It’s called Social Network and Justin Timberlake is in it. We’re sure there’s a hilarious joke in amongst all that... If you can think of it please use the comments section below. Thanks.
David Hasselhoff got into a fight with a pensioner at a casino before security intervened and escorted the (hammered?) actor out. He was back a few hours later to try and fight an ATM.
Rihanna and Chris Brown have competing TV specials and magazine articles dropping his week about the time Brown kicked the shit out of Riri. They both have new albums as well.
A ‘discussion’ between former US presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush has been cancelled after the promoter billed it as a “death-match face-off," on posters. Both men backed out.
And finally, cats are jerks: